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— •$— 

DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

Anthony Hyphen-Brown ) 

> A Young Married Couple* 
Lily Hyphen-Brown ) 

Mrs. Plush A Landlady. 



SCEN E— 
No. i, Sea View Terrace, Littlehole-on-Sea. 



AH Rights Rosonvod. 






DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS 
AND PROPERTIES. 

Mrs. PLUSH— 

Comfortable looking— hair scraped back. Black Dress. 
Black Silk Apron. Properties- ist Tray : Cups, 
Plates, Cloth, Bread, and Butter. 2nd Tray: Cake, 
Jam, &c, Letter. $rd Tray : Teapot, Hot Water, 
Shrimps. 



LILY HYPHEN = BROWN— 

Young. Pretty Walking Dress. Hat. Properties- 
Sunshade. Papers. 



TONY HYPHEN=BROWN— 

Young. Morning Suit. Properties— Rugs. Lily's 
Cloak. 



ON STAGE— 

Ordinary Furniture. Table, C. Sideboard, R. Piano, L. 
Paper-basket. » • . • 



STAGE NOISES— 

Stamping oft, L. ; cue— " Mrs. P.: Oh, my 'all lamp." 



CI.D 229 



"A WET BLANKET 



ft 



SCENE - - Parlour of No. I, Sea View Terrace. 



Curtain goes up on a sea-side lodging sitting room, furnished 
in the inevitable scanty sea-side style. Shells decorate the 
mantel-piece, antimacassars ornament the chairs, &c. 
Furniture can be arranged at will, with exit R. and L. 
Table in centre, sideboard (R.) one side of room, piano (L,.) 
the other. Enter Mrs. PiyUSH carrying tea-tray. She 
proceeds to lay the table for tea, C. 

Mrs. Plush : Just time to get their tea for 'em. The 
lady said to 'ave tea ready. Wonder w'ot they'll be 
like. Quite young, Mrs. Williams as recommended 
'em said, and not married so very long. Well, I don't 
mind if they do do a bit of 'oneymoonin' together. 
I'm a rare one for romance myself, it gives a flavour 
to life, I says, like a spring onion with a bread and 
cheese supper. Let me see, w'ot do I want now ? 
{Regards tabled) There's the cake and the jam to get. . 

Bustles off R., re-appearing immediately with cake, &c, on 
tray, and places on table, then takes letter off tray. 

. . . There's a letter just come for them. My 
word, but it's come from Canterbury, by the post 
mark. That's strange, now ; perraps they know 
Fanny ; I must ask them. Anthony Hyphen-Brown, 
Esq., is the name ; here, I'll put it on the chiffoneer, 
so as I can't forget to give it to Mr. What's-his-name 
Brown. Well, I 'ope they'll like the room, they ought 
to. {Complacently:) Best room in the Terrace, that's 
w'ot it is, tho' they do say — {advances centre) — that 
Mrs. Spriggs, as 'as just took No. 7, is 'aving it 
furnished by Warin'. Plush says there won't be much 
wear-in her furniture, but Plush must 'ave 'is little 
joke. Poor thing ! She'll be 'avin' electrict light 



and an elevating lift next, and how will she look at 
the end of the quarter, with her rent to pay, and all 
her money gone? She'll find that a bit wearin', I'm 
thinking. (Laughs.) I must tell Plush that, r e always 
says I can't make a joke. Well — (triumphantly)— 
Mrs. Spriggs hasrit got a piano ! 

Advances to piano, opens it lovingly, and runs her hand up 
and down the keys, making the usual blood-curdling 
sounds. 

. . . Such a tone ! (Bell ri?igs.) 

Exit Mrs. Plush hastily, L-, tidying herself at glass in 
passing. Voices are heard, then re-enter Mrs. Plush 
showing in Mr. and Mrs. Hyphen-Brown, L. Mrs. 
Hyphen-Brown is fashionably dressed. 

Mrs. Plush : Very pleased to see you, I'm sure, 
ma'am, and I trust you will approve of the rooms. 
This — {with a?i air) — is the drawin' room. 
Stands back C, smoothing hands. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (superciliously) : Oh, yes, and 
after all, it's only for a few days or a week, at the 
most. (Aside — For not an instant longer do I remain 
in this ghastly end-of-the-world hole.) Aloud to Mrs. 
Plush, crosses R. — You quite understand that I only 
took the rooms for a week ? 

Turns to Mrs. Pjcush down R. 

Mrs. Plush : Oh, yes, ma'am ; and I'm sure I'm 
very pleased to let them, though some hold that a 
week's let don't pay for the wear and tear on the 
furniture, but with the season so bad as it was last 
year, and Plush in bed 'alf the winter with newmony. 
{Breaks off and flies to L. exit.) There's the luggage ! 
My goodness, what boxes ! Hi, you there ! We 
didn't hire you to knock the house down ; just be 
careful of the walls, now — oh, my 'all lamp. 

Exit in a hurry, L. Much stamping is heard. 
Mrs. Hyphen-Brown has been looking round with a dis- 
gusted air. flinging her sunshade on to one chair, papers on 
to another, herself on to a third, R. 

Mr. Hyphen -Brown : By jove, Lily, what a rum 
little place. Rather jolly, don't you think? (Moves 
up, C.) 



Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (icily) : It is certainly very 
rum, but I fail to see where the jolly comes in. 

Mr. Hyphen -Brown {striding about) : I don't know, 
I like it awfully. Wonderful to think a little out-of- 
the-way place like this still exists in these days of 
motors and tourists. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Yes, I must say, even in my 
worst forebodings, I never pictured quite such a deadly 
place. Why, there isn't even a promenade ! 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Of course not. Who wants a 
beastly promenade ? But there's a glorious sandy 
beach I'd like to import a lot of London arabs. 
There'd be paddling room for them by the million, 
poor little beggars. 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : No doubt, but as luckily we 
have not a million London arabs dependent on us, 
the sands are rather thrown away, though I daresay 
— (sneeringlv) — you'd like to paddle. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {eagerly): Yes — will you come ? 
Wouldn't it be rather sport to go off to-morrow, with 
a shrimping net and sandwiches, and have a good 
long day ? {Crosses over to her, R.) 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : You must have your " good 
long day" alone, and satisfy your paddling instincts 
without me, then. Why, just think of one's clothes ! 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown: If you wouldn't think of 
them you'd be much better off, and so should I, b}' 
George — that last little bill was rather a corker. 
{Crosses down, C.L,.) 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Oh, if you're going to begin 
about that bill, I shall go upstairs. You might have 
a little thought for me, I think, my head is simply 
splitting. {Fretfully.) 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {contritely) : Of course it is, my 
darling, after that long walk from the station ; how 
selfish of me not to think of it. Will you go up to 
your room and rest ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Yes. I'll go up and see what 
sort of an apartment I've got to endure for the next 
week. A feather bed, I'm sure, and probably a patch- 
work quilt. 



6 

Rises, collects sunshade, gloves, &c. 
Enter Mrs. PivUSH, R. 

Mrs. Plush : And when would you like tea, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: At once, please. You have 
a servant, of course ? 

Mrs. PivUSH : No, thank goodness, I haven't. The 
last played me such tricks that I've done the work 
myself since, with a girl in the kitchen. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (wearily) : Oh, then, will you 
show me my room, please ? 

Mrs. Plush : This way, ma'am. (Exeunt, R.) 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown (leaving room): Heavens!. 
What corkscrew stairs ! 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown (gloomily) : Well, a nice be- 
ginning we've made ! If only Lil wouldn't look on 
the worst side of everything. She takes all the 
pleasure out of life, and we're only six months married. 
This is the first time we've been away together since 
the honeymoon. By George, it did give me rather a 
shock to hear those two fellows at the Club the other 
night. " Good chap, Hyphen-Brown, but his wife's a 
regular Wet Blanket." They didn't know the " good 
chap" happened to be within earshot. (Laughs 
bitterly.) 

Enter Mrs. Pi,USH, very red and breathless, R. 

Mrs. Pujsh (volubly) : I'm afraid your good lady 
isn't over pleased with the room, sir. She says it is 
small, and so it may be, but as large as any in the 
Terrace, an' I've seen six sleeping in it in August, but 
with those great boxes of 'ers, of course it don't give 
no room a chanst ; an' the largest w'ot wouldn't go in 
and had to be stood on the landin', tho' the man 
scratched all the paint off the door a-tryin' to get it 
in, an' then — (crescendo) — she goes and says it's stuffy ! 
which I've never 'ad said be-fore, tho' I've always 'ad 
the best people in the house. Gen'ral Watkins an' 'is 
wife, w'ot I had for six months — " an' w'ot I like about 
your rooms, Mrs. Plush, is their Hairiness" was 'is 
very words to me, and I'm sure — 

Pauses for want of breath. 



Mr. Hyphen-Brown {who has been vainly iryi?ig to 
stem the current) : I'm quite sure my wife did not mean 
"stuffy," Mrs. Plush. 

Mrs. Plush : P'raps not — she said stuffy, that's all I 
know. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown: Er— she's got rather a head- 
ache — the journey you know, er — Now, would you be 
so kind as to let us have tea as soon as you can ? 

Mrs. Plush {recovering her equanimity)'. I'll go down 
at once, sir. The kettle's on the boil, and I'm sure 
I'm anxious to do my best to please. Would you like 
anything with your teas ? I didn't know what the 
lady would like. Do you think a little water-crease, 
or p'raps some s'rimps? 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown: Shrimps! The very thing. 
I haven't eaten a shrimp since I was one myself. 

Mrs. Plush {delighted) : Very good, sir, I'll just let 
the girl run round to Codling's, the Fishmonger. 
Exit, R. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {following he?-) : And, I say, 
Mrs. Plush, brown ones, you know, great fat fellows, 
and. plenty of 'em. {Retti7ns,C) Dear me, how jolly 
this would all be, if only Lily would enjoy it, too. 
Why, hello — {takes letter from sideboard) — here's a 
letter for me. Jove, it is from Maggie. {Comes down 
C, and opens letter.) Dear little girl, Maggie, .she's 
the .sort that would make a man happy. Wonder 
what she says. {Opens and reads letter, standifig 
facing audience.) 

" Briarlees, Canterbury. 

' ' Dear Boodles — {aside: She always called me Boodles). 
I am staying here with the Parkers, and I feel I must 
write you a line, for I've something I want to say to 
you particularly, but please understand this is in the 
strictest eonfiden ce. ' ' 

( Whistles.) Hullo, what's old Mag up to now, I 
wonder. {Continues reading letter aloud.) 

" Now, you mustn't be offended at what I'm going to 
say, but I've been worrying about you and Lily ever 
since I dined with you last Monday. I couldn't help 
seeing you didn't seem to hit it off together. It is 
such a pity, for 3'ou're both awfully fond of each other. 



Now, I've known Lily longer than you have — she was 
my friend before she was yours, you know, and I'm 
going to give you a bit of good advice, as if I was 
your elderly maiden aunt. You don't take Lily the 
right way. You give in to her too much, and she 
despises you for it, and just tries to see how far she 
can go. She is a sweet, dear girl, but she wants a 
masterful man ; you'll find she'll respect you more if 
you are firm with her. I must stop. Give my love 
to Lily, and please burn this letter. Don't miscontrue 
what I have written, but do as I tell you, and you'll 
see that I'm right. Your affectionate cousin, 

Maggie." 

"P.S.: I'm going to tell you a secret. Capt. Danvers 
and I are e?igaged to be mairicd. He is Daisy Parker's 
brother, you know, and as he's not spoken to mamma 
yet, don't say a word about it. I feel so awfully happy 
that I want my dear old Boodles to be happy, too." 

Dear little girl — Bertie Danvers is a good chap. I 
always, thought that would be a case. How pleased 
Lily will be. I must tell her. {Moves towards door, R.) 
No, by jove, I mustn't, what an ass lam ! {Sits down, L-) 
Let me see, she wants me to burn this letter. Well, I 
think I'd better, for it Lil got hold of it there'd be 
wigs on the green. I half believe Maggie's right, and 
I've given way to Lil too much. I shouldn't wonder 
— women are queer animals ! Well, now, to be rid of 
this; I can't burn it, for there's no fire. If I light a 
match and consume it, the ashes will make such a 
beastly mess, and besides, Lily might come in in the 
middle. What the deuce shall I do with it. I know, 
I'll tear it up — {begins tearing) — in small, very small 
pieces, and put it in my pocket. {Pulls out pocket 
handkerchief, and puts bits in pocket, carefully. Looks 
ro?md.) I don't want to leave any about, as the hero 
in the^ melodrama invariably does when he gets an 
incriminating letter. Not that this is incriminating 
exactly, but still, if Lily were to pick up a piece with 
"strictly confidential" or " don't tell Lil " on it, she 
would jump at absurd conclusions, with the help of 
that marvellous arithmetical process which women 
call " putting two and two together." 



Enter Mrs. Plush R. 

Mrs. Plush : I've taken the liberty of not disturbing 
your good lady, sir. She is havin' a little nap to her- 
self, so I won't bring up tea till she wakes. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Poor little woman ; how tired 
she must be. You are sure she is not ill ? 

Mrs. Plush : Oh ! dear, no, sir. Just let 'er 'ave 'er 
forty winks out, and she'll be as right as a trivet, 
though I must say she don't look over and above 
strong. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {aside) : Now Mrs. Plush is 
here, I'll just put a few questions to her, and find out 
what sort of a woman she is. Aloud: No, she isn't, 
and then this heat has tried her. (Mrs. Plush moves 
towards exit, R.) Don't go, Mrs. Plush— sit down, 
won't you ? I want to have a little chat with you. 

Mrs. Plush (seating herself R., on extreme edge of 
chair) : Thank you, sir. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown (seating himself, L,.) : Have you 
always lived here, Mrs. Plush ? 

Mrs. Plush : A matter of forty odd years, sir. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Really. Well, I'm sure 
you're a first-rate advertisement for the place, you 
look so well and happy, Mrs. Plush. 

Mrs. Plush : I never feel no call to pull a long face, 
sir, and w'en there's lodgers in the house I've no time 
to mope. I always pities ladies who can sit down and 
cry w'en ever the fancy takes them ; if they'd to wait 
and wash up first, they'd find it took their minds off. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : But then, Mrs. Plush, though 
they mayn't have your er — charming domestic duties 
to attend to, most ladies nowadays do such a lot of 
things, they visit or shop, or play bridge. My wife 
goes in greatly for music. 

Mrs. Plush : She must try the piano, sir, it's only 
half-a-crown a week extry, and a beautiful tone. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown : She'll be delighted, I'm sure. 
(A pause ensues.) Er — {nervously/) — Have you had a 
fair season, Mrs. Plush? Aside-. That's a good sort 
of thing to ask her 

Mrs. Plush : Middlin', sir, though I lost a matter 
of ten days' let in June through illness, but then you 



10 

must take the bads with the goods, as Plush always 
says. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : That's your husband, I 
suppose. What is his trade ? 

Mrs. Plush {with an ait')'. He's got the livery 
stables here, sir. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Really ? A paying business 
that, I should think. Has he many traps ? 

Mrs. Plush {proudly) : A waggonette or pony shay, 
w'ichever }'ou please ; and he'd be proud to take you 
out, I'm sure. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown : He ought to meet the trains, 
Mrs. Plush. My wife and I had to toil back from the 
station this afternoon, there wasn't as much as a 
wheelbarrow to be seen. 

Mrs. Plush : Well, it was this way, sir. There's a 
funeral out Wotton way, and Plush 'ad the job of 
drivin' some o' the deceased relatives. They say its 
to be a lovely funeral. Very sudden it was — hale and 
hearty on Thursday, and . 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown {hastily) : Oh, yes, quite — er — 
(Aside : How they iove horrors.) Well, and Plush is a 
good husband, Mrs. Plush ? 

Mrs. Plush : Oh, yes. As I tell him, there's a-many 
worse, and we jog along very well. We never 'ave 
more than a word together, for I always gives in 
to 'im. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : What a sensible woman you 
are. 

Mrs. Plush : Well, it's not so much sensibleness as 
not being able to help it. The first time, I let out at 
him, lor! but I was in a paddy. I remember it well, 
for I'd a black eye for a fortnight after. That kept 
me quiet for a time. I used to sit and watch with one 
eye, the other was all swollen and closed. After that 
we understood each other. You see, I'd always bin 
fiery-tempered, and up to then I'd never 'ad no one to 
master me. Plush was sorry w'en 'e sor my eye, 'e 
'adn't meant to be unkind, but 'e's a thorough man is 
Plush ; wot 'e does do 'e does thorough, and my eye 
was thorough enough. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Dear me ! Then you believe 
in the husband ruling the wife ? 



ii 

Mrs. Plush (solemnly) : I do, sir. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (warmly): What a very sensible 
woman you are, Mrs. Plush ! 

Mrs. Plush (contemptuously) : Besides, any woman 
as is worth 'er salt can always 'ave 'er own way. There 
never was a man a woman couldn't manage if she 
tried. (Rises.) 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (rather ?ion-p hissed) : Oh ! 

Enter Mrs. Hyphen-Brown, L,. She has removed her hat. 
Exit Mrs. Plush, R. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (aside) : Now, there's no shadow 
of doubt I must take a new line with Lily. I can't 
resort to Mr. Plush's methods, but I must be firm. 
I'll begin at once. Aloud: Well, Lily, I hope you've 
waked up in a better temper ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {in an astonished voice) : Was 
my temper so very bad, then ? I didn't know it. 
(Crosses back, C.) 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : It's a pit}^ you didn't, for it 
was awful, unbearable. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown looks astounded at this answer. She 

sits down at table, C. 
Enter Mrs. Peush with teapot (R.), hot water, and a large 

plate of shrimps. 

Mrs. Plush (triumphantly, R.) : There, sir ! 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (sitting down and pouring out 
tea, facirig audience) : Why, who ordered the shrimps ? 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (seating himself at table, L,.) : 
I did. What beauties they are. Have some ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (shuddeiing. Tunis to Mrs. 
Plush, who is just leavitig the room) : Certainly not. 
You know I can't bear them. Take them away at 
once, please. 

Mrs. Plush : Take them away ! Why, I've just bin 
an' sent for 'em. 

Seizes plate, and moves away angrily. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (aside): Now is the time — a 
grand and glorious time to show my strength of 
character. Aloud: Do nothing of the sort, please. I 
ordered the shrimps, and I intend them to remain. 

Rises, crosses R., takes plate solemnly from Mrs. Pi<ush, and 
re-places it on table. Seats himself again, L. 



12 

Mrs. Plush {aside) : There's goin' to be a row— so 
I'm orf— and all about a pint and a 'alf of s'rimps the 
King couldn't beat at Margate. {Exit, R.) 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (rising) : Anthony ! How 
dare you ! Either I or the shrimps leave the room. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown {coolly, helping himself largely) : 
The shrimps aren't going. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {moving slowly towards doo?, 
R.) : You can choose between me and the shrimps. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown: I have chosen — shrimps for 
ever. Aside: Now for the storm. 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown {aside, as she goes very slowly 
towards door) : Dear me, whatever is the matter with 
Tony. I didn't mean to be taken at my word, and I 
do want my tea so badly, yet I must go now. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown: Come, Lily — re-consider your 
decision, and I'll give you these lovely fellows I've 
just peeled. There's a noble offer for you. 
Holds out a plateful. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Never ; and I think you are 
perfectly brutal. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown {chce?'ily): Not in the least, 
only, naturally, weighed in the balance against 
shrimps, great fat fellows like these, you are found 
wanting. Shall I send you up some tea? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {with dignity, advancing a?id 
re-scating herself) : No. You are evidently so exces- 
sively anxious to get rid of me that I shall remain. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {with inte?ise and imperturbable 
good humour) : On the contrary, I'm delighted to have 
you, a?id the shrimps. Come, don't look so tragic — 
smile at me. 

Leans across table, and tries to coax a smile from her. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {turning away) : Oh, don't 
trouble about me, please. 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown {aside) : Well, I've got my own 
way, and the beastly shrimps, but otherwise I've only 
succeeded in putting her into a fearful rage. 
Enter Mrs. Plush, R. 

Mrs. Plush : Oh, please sir, there's a letter 'as come 
for you, and I've bin an' never told you. I've a head, 



13 

an' so's a pin, as Plush says. I put it on the chiffoneer. 
Did you get it, sir ? 
Mr. Hyphen-Brown : Er— yes— thanks. 

Exit Mrs. Pi y uSH. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (aside) : Ah ! He's had a 
letter. Perhaps that explains his sudden bad temper 
— perhaps — perhaps— {thinks) — he's had bad news. 
Aloud-. You didn't tell me you had had a letter, Tony ? 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {drily)-. I haven't had an 
opportunity, considering I only got it when you were 
up stairs, and ever since you came down our one 
theme of conversation has been shrimps. 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : Well, who was it from ? 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown (aside) : Now for firmness. 
Aloud: Nevermind. Aside: That borders on rudeness. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : But I do mind. I believe 
you've had some bad news. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : No news at all. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Well, why not show me the 
letter ? 

Mr. Hyphen- Brown (sneezing violently!) : Because I 
don't mean to. Ah-tish-a-ah-tissh-a ! . . 

Pulling out kandkerchiei, and scattering all the little bits of 
letter to the wind savagely. 

. . . Well, here it is then ; as you're so precious 
anxious to see it, make what } r ou can of it. 

Offers her a handful of fragments. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (beginning to cry) : I believe 
you're hiding something from me. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (contritely, aside) : There, what 
a brute I am ; I've made her cry. (Takes a step fo? ward 
to eo?isolc her, and stops.) No, I must be firm. 1 wonder 
what Plush would do now. If /stay here much longer 
I know what P 11 do, I shall kiss her. (Jumps tip and 
overturns chair.) I must get out of this, or I shall 
never keep up the firmness. Aloud: Really, I^ily, you 
are insufferable ; you do nothing but nag. You make 
me think of the old song the niggers used to sing at 
Ramsgate when I was a kid. (Seizes his cap.) 



14 

Dramatically : 

" Nag, nag, from morning till night, 

Whatever I do, I never do right, 

Married life, I'm sick of it quite, 

I wish I were single again." 

That's true enough. {Flings out of room.') 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (as her husband goes out, runs 
after him calling) : Anthony — Tony, darling I ! 

No answer. She returns, C, half crying. 
I wo?ider what has happened I know there's some- 
thing the matter with him, and I'm sure — (with deter- 
minaticii) — I'm positive that letter's at the bottom of it. 

Picks up some of the scattered pieces and examines them. 
No, it's no use. I can't make out the words, or even 
the handwriting, it's torn up in such tiny fragments ; 
that's suspicious to begin with. I've never known 
him destroy a letter so completely. 
Collects pieces, and drops in waste-paper basket. Sits 
down, h. 

I wish, oh, I wish I was a detective — a Sherlock 
Holmsey detective. He would know in a moment 
who the letter was from, by the kind of notepaper, 
and what it was about, from the colour of the ink. I 
wonder if /couldn't deduce something. I'll try. 
Goes to basket and brings back a handful of fragments, and 
gazes at them. 
No, I can't say it seems to help me — still Sherlock. . 
Enter Mrs. Pi^ush with a tray, R. 

Mrs. Plush : I thought perhaps you'd like me to 
clear down the tea, ma'am, if you're quite finished. 
Aside. She looks pretty miserable, and the glimpse I 
caught of his face was more like a thunder-cloud 
than anything else. Silly young things ; they've been 
having a tiff. 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : Oh yes, thank you ; quite 
done. 

Mrs. Plush: And dinner, ma'am, you didn't mention 
the time. I've got you as nice a chicken as ever 
pecked barley. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (hesitating) : Oh — oh — seven 
o'clock please — that is — (hesitates)— -if my husband — 



IS 

{breaks off, then conthmei) — perhaps we had better say 
half-past, as Mr. Hyphen-Brown has gone for a walk. 

Mrs. Plush : Very well, mum, I was just wonderin' 
ma'am, if you've ever been to Canterbury — for I've a 
sister in service there, nurse in a gentleman's family — 
an officer — Captain Smith — 'e is — she's nurse to his 
little girls, and I thought perhaps you might know 
the name. No ? 

As Mrs. Hyphen-Brown shakes her head. 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown : You see, I've never been to 
Canterbury. You are making a mistake ; we live in 
IyOndon, you know. 

Mrs. Plush: Yes, ma'am, I remember, but I just 
asked on the chance — for you never know — the world's 
not so large w'en all's said and done. . . 
Picks up tray and moves to door, R. 

. . It was seein' the postmark on the letter made 
me think that perhaps you knew Canterbuiy. 
Prepares to exit. 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown (springing up) \ Of coui-se y why 
didn't I think of the postmark before ? Why, that's 
the way — {with unco?iscious iro7iy) — a detective always 
tells where a letter is from. (Follows Mrs. Plush to 
door?) Are you sure the postmark was Canterbury ? 

Mrs Plush : Quite certain. Not that I'm in the 
'abit of lookin' over my visitors' letters, which I hope 
you'll believe I'm above so nasty and under'and a 
trick, but it seemed some'ow to catch my eye— bein', 
I suppose, as I was familiar with it through writing 
constant to Fanny, to whom I'm almost in place of a 
mother — and not feelin' over comf'table about 'er 
livin' so near those barricks, with soldiers always 
a-passin' dressed up to catch a silly girl's eye. 
Exit with tray, R. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Now, I wonder who can 
have written to Tony from Canterbury. We don't 
know a soul there. I believe that old Colonel Drake 
was there once, but that is ages ago. Why . . 

Drops down suddenly on chair L-, by table. 
Why, of course, it's Maggie ! She is staying there for 
the week-end with the Parkers. Now, why didn't he 



16 

tell me? I believe — I believe there's something 
mysterious about this. 

Gets very excited. 
I've always been jealous of Maggie — she knew Tony 
so long before I did — and he is always so fond of her, 
and I don't care if she is his cousin, she's a very pretty, 
fascinating girl ; what Tony calls a " girl every chap 
gets on with." 

Jumps up. 

I only wonder he ever married me when he could 
have married her ; for, of course, she'd have married 
him — he's such a dear — perhaps — perhaps he's in love 
with her, and sorry he married me. Oh ! — {breaks off) 
— dear me, how wicked I am, and what horrid things 
I'm thinking of— but — I'm so — so miserable. 

Drops her head oil table, and sobs. 
Enter Mrs. Plush. 

Mrs. Plush : I thought I'd just step up, ma'am, and 
— why — bless n\y soul, if she's not crying — and wot's 
it about, then ? (Goes np L.C., a?id bends over her.) 
Aside : It's that husband that's been making her cry, 
I'll be bound. Fiercely : They're all alike. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (sitting up and drying her 
eyes): Oh, I'm so foolish to cry, for really it's all my 
own fault, but — but Mr. Hyphen-Brown has never left 
me like this before. 

Collapses again. 

Mrs. Plush (patting her hand gently) : There, there, 
my poor lamb. Never you mind his tempers — they're 
all alike — even the best of them are full of their 
tantrums, as I tell Plush. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (sitting tip) : Oh, but Tony's 
never cross. He's got the temper of an angel. 

Mrs. Plush (aside) : H'm — that's just like a woman ; 
nags at him herself, but won't hear a word against 
him from anyone else. I must try and give her a 
hint. Aloud-. Don't you fret; it's his liver, most 
likely, mum. Now, don't you worry about him — he'll 
come back all right, a nicer spoken young gentleman 
as I never see, and just dotes on you. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (eagerly) : You — you think he 
is fond of me ? 



17 

Mrs. Plush : Fond of you— why, that don't take 
much seeing. Do you think he'd stand all your little 
pettish ways if he wasn't ? 

Mrs. Hyphen- Brown: Pettish ways? D'you think 
— (slowly) — that I am pettish, then ? 

Mrs. Plush : Well, perraps pettish is a bit stronger 
than I meant ; but you've a naggy sort of way of 
answerin', as a rule — now, haven't you ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Naggy? Why, that's what 
Tony saifl. Oh, dear, no wonder he doesn't love me 
any more. 

Begins to cry agaiii. 

Mrs. Plush : Bless us — don't cry again — there's no 
'arm done yet — not to speak of-— only — well, if you 
won't mind my sayin' it — men is queer creatures — 
there's a right and a wrong way of taking them — and 
3^ou go the wrong way. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {tearfully) : Oh, do tell me 
what you mean. 

Mrs. Plush : Well, ma'am, it's simple enough. Take 
them s'rimps as instance. You don't like s'rimps, 
do you ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : I can't bear them — and — 
Tony ought to have remembered. 

Mrs. Plush : Of course he ought, but that's just the 
difference between the sextes. You'd have remembered 
sharp enough. I expect you know 'is likes and 
dislikes by 'eart. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Of course. I know that he 
can't bear cold mutton, and that he wortt eat veal. 

Mrs. Plush : Well, I never, just like mine ! 
Comes down, R. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Yours ? 

Mrs. Plush : Plush — 'e can't abide cold mutton ; 
funny, isn't it? But to come back to our muttons 
(w'y wot ever's the matter with me — that's another 
joke — I must tell Plush). Well, ma'am, if I was you, 
next time you want your way, whether its s'rimps or 
anythink else, I should just ask 'im sweet and nice 
for it ; never mind if 'e refuses at first, you'll see, ten to 
one, 'e'U give m fast enough if you only look pleasant 
and speak pleasant about it ; and, above all, ma'am — 



18 

Turns and holds up finger, solemnly. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (breathlessly) : Yes. 

Mrs. Plush: Don't ?iag ! It's nagging as is the 
ruin of more 'otnes than 'alf the world knows. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (humbly) : No, I must stop it. 

Mrs. Plush : And a silly old woman you'll think me 
runnin' on like this; but there, I was always of a 
romantic turn, and I don't like to see two young 
things, who will 'ave a matter of forty or fifty odd 
years p'raps to spend together, beginnin' to go wrong 
in the first six months, all for the want of a word, so 
you must forgive me if I've spoke plain. 
Exit, R. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: Yes, she has "spoke plain," 
as she says, but the truth is never nice to hear about 
oneself. She's quite right, I have got into a naggy 
way of answering. If I don't look sharp, I shall 
become like that awful Mrs. Matthews, with lines all 
over her face. Oh, perhaps I've got lines like that 
already. 

Jumps up and goes to looking-glass on chiffonnier R., and 
stands regarding herself anxiously. 

No, I don't see any yet, but . . . 
Enter Mr. Hyphen-Brown, L. Mrs. Hyphen-Brown turns, 
they fly into each other's arms, C. 

. . . Oh, Tony ! I've been such a horror. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (vehemently) : No. It's / who 
have been a perfect beast to speak to you so roughly ; 
the air brought me to my senses. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: No, no, you were quite right; 
it was my fault for being so provoking. Tony, Tony, 
I'm never going to nag any more. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown (jie?cely) : Who dared say you 
nagged ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown (laughing) : Why, you did. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : By jove, so I did ! 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: And so did Mrs. Plush. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown: What ! Has she been talking 
to you ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown : Yes, and she's an old dear. 
She gave me a lot of good advice. 



19 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : The deuce she did. Did she 
tell you about Mr. Plush's little methods ? 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {bewildered) : Mr. Plush's 
little methods? No. Has she been talking to you, 
then ? 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : By the bucketful. She seems 
to take a sort of affectionate interest in us, and — 
{hesitates) — well, owing to some words she let drop, I 
behaved like a brute to you before. 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown: O — oh — Tony! D'you know 
I was stupid and wicked enough to think that it must 
have been something Maggie said to you that upset 
you so. You ought to have told me — {rcproacJi fully) — 
that that letter was from Maggie. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {aside) : Now, how by all that's 
wonderful did she unearth that ? Trust a woman. I'm 
rather in a hole what to say. / know — I have it. 
{Turns ;ou?id.) So 1 would, Lily darling, only she 
confided a secret to me. But I must tell you. ( Whispers 
in her ear.) 

Mrs. Hyphen -Brown : Engaged ! Oh ! The darling / 
I must write to her and congratulate her. Tony, 
Tony ; how I have misjudged you. What can I do to 
make amends ? 

Puts her bands on his shoulders. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {kissing her) : Sing me one of 
my favourite songs, that will be your punishment. . 
IviiA r runs over and opens piano, L,. 

Aside: Well out of it. She must never know that 
that news only formed the postscript of that letter. 
Follows her over to piano, L. 
Enter Mrs. Plush, unperceived. Stops at door, R. 
LiUY strikes a chord. 
Mrs. Plush {rapturously) : What a tone ! 
Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {turning round on music stool): 
I shall tell Maggie that I hope she'll be as happy as 
we are. 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown : My darling. 
Mrs. Plush : What a tone ! It's easy to see they re 
all smooth again. 

Exit, R. 



20 

Mrs. Hyphen-Brown {jumping up) : Oh, Tony, 
before I sing to you I must go and find that dear old 
Mrs. Plush. . . 

Crosses down R., turns at exit. 
. . . You see, it is thanks entirely to her that we're 
so happy, isn't it ? 

Mr. Hyphen-Brown {following her) : Yes, thanks 
entirely to Mrs. Plush — {aside : And Maggie !) — this 
will be the last appearance of — (tu??iing to audience) — 

-A WET BLANKET." 



CURTAIN, 




oswestry i 
Printed by Roberts & Jones, Castle Street. 

1905- 




Only fcept in the large size, the back scene is 13 feet long and 9 feet high and ex- 
tends with the Wings and Borders to 20 feet long and 11 J feet high. In the centre 
is a French window, leading down to the ground, which could be made practicable 
if required. On the left wing is a fireplace with mirror above, and on the right 
wing is an oil painting. The whole scene is tastefully ornamented and beauti- 
fully coloured, forming a most elegant picture. The above is a representation oj 
a box scene consisting of 36 sheets of paper, the extra sheets being used for tb 
doors each side. £ s. d. 

Back Scene, Border, and 1 Set of Wings, unmounted . . ..200 

Ditto, mounted on canvas 4 4 

Back Scene, Border, with 2 -ets of Wings as above to form Box 

Scene, unmouu'ed 

Ditto, mounted on canvas 




This is also kept in the large size only. In the centre is a door leading outside. 
On the left centre is a rustic fireplace, and the right centre is a window. On the 
Wings are painted shelves, &c. to complete the scene. The above is a represen- 
tation of this scene with 1 set of Wings only (not a Box Scene), but a Box Scene 
can be made by purchasing the extra set of Wings. Prices and size same as 
Drawing Room Scene above. 



FRENCH'S ACTING £DITI0N-7s. per Vol., mostly 6d. 



21 61 
2162 

2103 
2164 
2165 
2166 
2167 
2168 
2169 
2170 
2171 
2172 
2173 
2174 
2175 



VOLUME 145. 

A t Cross Purpose-* 
Tom, Dick and Harry 
Pair of K nickerboekei s 
Rift Within tiie Lute 
Little Miss Muffet 
Cupid in Ermine 
Prior Claim 
Sudden Squall 
Cissy's Engagement 
My Son and I 
Young Mrs. Winthiop 
Hazel Kirk 
Shade* of Night 
Such is Fam* 
Neither of Them 



2176 

2177 
2178 
2 1 79 
2180 
2181 
21S2 

•■>is:; 

2184 
2185 
2186 

2187 
2188 

2189 
2190 



2191 
2192 
2193 
21^4 
2195 
2196 

2197 
2198 
2199 
2200 
2201 
2202 
2 -'03 
2204 
2205 



VOLUME 146. 

Gentleman Jim 
Prude's Progress 
Nicholete 
Confusion, Is. 
Chums 

Six and Kightpence 
Sympathetic Souls 
Head of Itomulus 
The Guvnor, Is. 
Two Misses Ihnetson 
Pendrud<;e v. Pret- 

tiwon 
Money Spinner, Is. 
Have You Got That 

£10 Note? 
Miss Flipper's Holiday 
Too Happy by Half 

VOLUME 147. 

My Sweetheart 
Queen's Messenger 
Wedding Breakfast 
My Soldier Boy 
Jane, Is. 
Little Lord Fauntle- 

r«>y. Is. 
Pity" of it. 

Charitable Bequest 
Desperate Remedies 
Mrs. or Miss 
Aunt Jane's Flat 
Crystal Gazer 
Castle in Spain 
Strange Relation 
Act of Piracy 



LIBRARY OF 



AN AMERICAN CITIZEN 
BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE 

AFFAIR. 
BRACE OF PARTRIDGES- 
BRIXTON BURGLARY. 
CAPTAIN SWIFT. 
COUNTRY MOUSE 
FACING THE MUSIC. 
IDLER. 

IN CHANCERY. 
IMPORT A NCE OF BEING 

EARNEST. 



2'06 

2207 
2208 
220:) 
2210 
2^11 
•212 
2213 
2214 
2215 
2-216 
2217 
2218 
2219 

2220 



2221 

2222 
2223 
2224 
2225 
2226 

2227 
2228 
2229 
2230 

2231 
2232 
2233 
2234 
2235 



2236 
2237 
2288 
22*9 
2240 
2J41 

V242 

22 > 3 
2244 

2245 
2246 
2247 

2248 




Newspaper iNuptwus 
Anthony's Legacy 
Baffled Spinster 
Man of Ideas 
Bunch of Violets. Is. 
Two Naughty Old 

Ladies 
In and Out of a Punt 

VOLUME 149. 

Matrimonial Agency 

As Once in May 

Richard Wye 

Faithful James 

Obstinate Wora^n 

Judged by Appear- 
ances 

Mixed Addresses 

Who Won i 

Mistaken Identity 

Lady Elizabeth Puole 
Gubbins 

Solicitor 

Only Amateurs 

Poor Old Perkins 

Bird in the Busli 

Nita, the Dancer 

VOLUME 150. 

The Dentist 

Taken for Granted 

Just as Well 

Hogmany 

Pa>.sy 

A Doctor's Engage- 
ments 

A Duet 

My Milliner's Bill, Is. 

My Aunt from Cali- 
fornia 

His Life for Hers 

The Meeting 

The Umbrella 
Duologue 

The Late Lamf nted 



oi 

151. 

mum* 
ient 



Tragedy 



2257 Hal, the High wa> man 

2258 Dinner fori wo 

2259 Ninth Walt? 
9260 Human Sport 

2261 Collaborators 

2262 Mere Man 

2263 Packing Up 

2264 Paying Guest 

2265 'Enery Brown 

VOLUME 152. 
226-i The Jilt 
2^:67 •Op-o'-Mo-Thoml 

2268 A M\nhge Has 

Arranged 

2269 Carrots 

2270 Conversion of 

Sturge 

2271 Clerical Error 

2272 Aubrev Closes the Door 

2273 Workhos 

2274 Two on a 'Bus 
227r> Bridget's Blunders 

2276 That Brute Simmons 

2277 Well Matched 
: 278 Maker of Men 
2279 Gutter of Time 
2i80 Game of Chess 



Beet 



Nat 



VOLUME 153. 

2281 Mr. Steinmauti'8 

Corner 

2282 Ella's Apology 



Is. 6d. Edition- 
JEDBURY JUNIOR. 
LADY HUNTWORTH'S 
EXPERIMENT. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S 

FAN. 
LIBERTY HALL. 
MICE AND MEN. 
MISS HOBBS. 
MOLLFNTRAVE ON 

WOMEN. 
NEW BOY. 
NIOBE. 



OH! SUSANNAH! 

ONE SUMMER'S DAY. 

PARVENU. 

ROCKET. 

SNUG LITTLE KINGDOA 

SQUIRE. 

SUNLIGHT & SHADOW 

WHEN WE WERE 
TWEN1Y-ONE. 

WILDERNESS 
WISDOM OF FOLLY. 
WOODBARROW FARM 



